


Lost Hope

by ConscientiousMonster



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Abuse, Blood, Blood and Gore, Crying, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Forgiveness, Gen, Gore, Insanity, Massacre, Mental Breakdown, Past Child Abuse, Revenge, Violence, and the sidibitch mentioned somewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10430151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConscientiousMonster/pseuds/ConscientiousMonster
Summary: "It's not life that has been unfair to me - it's Ezra. I have given him my hearts, I've made so many promises and put so many hopes in him. I have begged him on my knees. But he refused.He watched me die at hand of my sworn enemy, and didn't even blink an eye.It's his turn to suffer now."Takes place after Twin Suns, which Darth Maul survives.





	

 

I once swore, that no matter what he does or says, that no matter what he catches me doing and disapproves, that no matter what - I will never hurt Ezra. Never ever will a hair fall from his head because of me. 

I always looked at Ezra with hope in my hearts. I wanted him to be my new hope. A better fate for me, he could bring. I've put my hopes in him, and what did I recieve? A lost hope. 

I swore to keep Ezra safe. What it meant is that I would never harm him directly. 

What it didn't mean - is that I wouldn't touch those, who are dear to him. 

Why would I care? I've lost everyone I've ever loved or called Family. Why should I care for his feelings, if mine were never valued? Why care for his happines, for his hope, when he refused to be mine? 

He watched me die at hand of my sworn enemy. He didn't even blink an eye. He smiled, glad that I would finally leave him alone. And he left my corpse, not glad that I found peace, but glad that he'd never have to hear of me in his life. 

At that moment - oh no, I did not die. But something within me died. Something within me... changed. I was no longer the same. Kenobi left me where I fell. Hours later, I stood up and limped to the nearest village. 

It took a while. I left the planet. My good friend, The Supplier, provided me with a full army of droids, and a ship big enough to fit them all. 

I finally knew what I wanted, and I was determined. I have lost the last bits of my sane mind, and drowned down what was left of my conscience. 

Revenge. Now I only want revenge. 

 

~ ~ ~ 

 

"Execute order 1."

Everyone on the base is taken hostage.

"Execute order 2."

His so-called family was held outside the quarters he shared with the beast-one as a sleeping place. Guns pointed at them. They were told the rules - the bots won't shoot the ones who'll run, but the ones who will stay. None of them dared run. 

"Execute order 3."

Ezra was roughly thrown to the ground from his bed. Just like all of them, with several guns pointed at him, they made him walk outside, to face me. You pass your family by, and I can see it - I can feel it in you - your worry and fear, your embarrassment, and... anger. 

Still in your pajama. You are still so young, my boy. You have not known what a life can be. Yet. Oh, the looks you reward me with. The pure surprise that I'm still alive. You're not getting rid of me easily. 

The hate. The hate? The hate, indeed. You just saw your family, terrified, at gun points. And you think that's your fault. You think deep inside they blame you. Or may be you think they don't? You fear that they fogive you yet again, even though because of you their lives are at danger yet again? 

Forgivness, pity, mercy... I have never recieved those in my life. I hardly believe they exist. And frankly, I don't care anymore.

I have entered insanity. I'm smiling. I'm calm. I hate you, Ezra Bridger, with burning passion.  

I reach a dressing set for you, "Put it on." it's a soft, dark dressing, fit for a Dark Side apprentice. 

You stare with anger and anxiety at me. 

Good. 

 

"Execute order 4."

For the time being, your "family" is locked in seperate rooms. 4 droids per room, seems enough to me. Few extra ones outside the locked rooms. All instructed to shoot at legs, instead of landing any fatal blows. 

I leave you, guarded, to dress and get something to eat, while I take a short walk outside your base. There's someone I see runing at me. Looks like a clone trooper, but with a beard. I wonder, do I know him? Something seems familiar about him... Oh, whom am I kidding. All clones are the same. 

I shoot him. He falls down. 

I see you run outside, despite the droids following you. 

"Rex!!!" You shout. So, his name was Rex. I'm surprised that he had a name at all. But I hardly care. 

I watch you run up to his moveless body. You ask him to get up, wake up, move. You're crying, screaming, looking at me with rage and anger. An utter despair hidden behind your soul. 

The droids catch you and bring back inside the Ghost ship. 

I think it's about time to begin. 

 

~ ~ ~ 

 

I sit on the table (don't you dare say "he likes to be tall"), with my legs crossed. A calm smile upon my face, I am the pacifism personified. So calm, I hold the rebels in constant terror, I see them shudder with trepidation, everytime my eyes land on them for longer than a second. 

A good amount of droids are holding Ezra back by his hands. And by each of them, a backup pair ready to take their place. 

Both Ezra's and Kanan's necks are now decorated with what might seem like a shock collar at first. Those are actually quite common devices used on Force wielders. In a way - they _are_ shock collars, progammed to zap the wearer if they try to use Force. 

"What are you here for?" Ezra, what sort of question is that? 

"A-are you just here to... try to make me your apprentice again? How are you even here? I thought you died! Answer me!" Silly kid. 

"How fascinating. You think you are in position to ask questions here..." I chuckle, almost silently, "Since when were you the one in control?" My words send shivers down rebels' spines. 

They fear me, and I savour it. Relish it. I feel it warming me from inside, giving me something lost so long ago - motivation. 

Force, why did I ever stop feeding of fear? 

I stand up and walk over to the rebels. Full of fear and tightly held. Even their droids are here. That annoying little astromerch... 

"What do you call this one? 'Chopper'? Do you love him?" I ask, lightly petting it. It knows if it even tries to zap me - one of the rebels will get shot. They are all aware - if a move is made that I don't approve, they will get shot. Oh, I came prepared today. 

"Don't you dare mess with my droid!" The Twi'lek speaks up. 

"Mess? You mean... like that?" I kick it, so it dispenses it's upper hands. I grab one of them, and cut away with my lightsaber. The droid seems to dislike that. 

"Stop it!" The Twi'lek protests, helpless. 

"Don't hurt them! If you're here just to g-get me - I'll go with you, just d-don't touch them!" Ahh, how adorable. My boy still thinks he matters.

"...What if I'm not?" A wicked smile crosses my face. "I'm not here to ask you to be my apprentice anymore, Ezra."

His heart drops. 

"Then... what?" 

I stand still, the rushing heartbeats become the loudest sound in the room. 

Then, in one swift move, I cut the droid in two.

"I am NOT here to ask or beg you, Ezra Bridger." I remain calm. He screams in terror, his twi'lek friend is furious. 

"I am DONE with you." I bring the other bot closer with Force. It's slim and dark, I have no idea what's it's name, but it seems to matter to rebels. I can tell, for the twi'lek holds her breath yet again. 

I cut its limbs and it falls down, saying something in monotone. 

"Is this how it ends?" The droid's voice is horribly unpleasant. "I just found my perfect world... and now I'll never go there again. Will it end here, like this?"

"Yes." I cut it in half, then crash its head with my legs. Just like Chopper, now it's broken beyond repair. 

"No! Stop that!! Stop!!!" My boy speaks up. His twi'lek friend has gone silent, mourning the droids, no doubt.

I approach her and raise her head by the chin, so she looks me in the eyes. A look fiery and full of anger. "Don't miss them," I smile at her, "You'll be with them soon."

"NO!!!" Ezra struggles so much, I think he's hurting himself in the process. This... could play for me. I turn around to face him. 

"Ezra. Stand still." He's so very scared, and keeps moving at first. Then it sinks into his mind - he might have a chance at something here, now that I've actually turned and spoke to him. He stands still. I gesture, and the droids slowly let go of his hands. 

"Sit." It takes him a moment, but he gets down, obediently. "Stand up." Confused, but he still follows my orders, "Sit." There's a bit of annoyance visible behind his tears. He realizes I'm just playing with him. 

Just playing...  

I kneel before him, "Do you want to save them?" I gesture at his friends.

"Y-yes." He's trembling with fear before me. 

"Are you willing to do _anything_ to save them?" 

This one takes him a while to reply to, although it doesn't seem to catch him by surprise, "Yes..." His fear is delicious. Oh, so delicious...

I grin. 

"Kiss me." 

 

Confusion. Horror. Anger. Despair. Fear. So many emotions in such little period of time, caused by such simple words. I smooch the air between us, then countinue grinning. Come on, come on, my precious boy. Think fast. My patience... ran out back on Tatooine. So did my sanity. So did any moral withdrawal of my actions. 

The rebels stare with trepidation. I think I heard one of them whisper "Ezra, no...". It's not forbidden to dream. 

He looks me in the eyes for a good while. No words are said, but I can read the question in his eyes, and he reads my reply just as clear. 

"Is there no other way?" 

"Act now or I'll kill them." 

He takes a deep breath. His palms curl into fists, but remain on his legs. He leans closer to me, curling his lips. His eyes are closed. 

 

I laugh. I laugh out the last pieces of my sanity with that, I think I'm crying too. I laugh maniacally, a menacing undertone everyone in the room reads so clear.

"Ahahahaha! You- you really thought I'd- Ahahahahahaha!" I take a second to catch my breath, and while at it I clank the hilt of my saber at my legs. It makes a loud noise of metal meeting metal.

"I've lost interest in kissing, and anything that _would follow_ ," he trembles at that, "long ago. About the same day I've lost my legs. But Force, Ezra, you really believed I'd want to?... You really believed." 

May be, if we lived in a better time ~~(line)~~ I would give him light smooches on the cheeks, just to show affection and proudness, but no more, no further and no often, than he'd want that. 

But we're here, in this moment of utter despair. _His_ dispair, of course. Me? Choiceless? Oh no, I've already made all the choices I wanted to. 

I laugh on for a good while. I would spit at him too, but I think the laughter made him feel bad enough. 

I clap, and the droids grab him again. 

"Wait, no! T-there's got to be-" 

"There's nothing left, Ezra. No choices, no alternative, no sudden salvation, no happy ending... There's no hope, Ezra Bridger." 

I turn to his family. My lightsaber shines up. All hope is lost. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

Silence. Soul tearing silence. It eats from inside, it's so loud - it's unbearable. Only his shallow sobs occasionally manage to break it.  

I sit calmly, in the middle of the room, my legs crossed. To my right, some droid shards, few limbs of his beast friend, a pair of green lekku... I've always wondered if they were empty inside. 

To my left, a young girl with terrified expression stuck on her face forever. Her legs are sprawled across her torso. Separated. I have survived being cut in two before, it's not my fault she didn't. There's another body right next to me. It's hand is cut off, the back is full of 'saber burns. The head is missing. And another part completely cut out. I've started from that. Oh how I've hated him. How I hated that meddling, so called Jedi Master. Finally, he is no longer standing between me and my boy.

My boy. Mine. Ezra, do you feel what that word means? You're mine, it means you belong to me. Your Fate is in my hands. It's so hard to believe I once wanted it to be otherwise. I once wanted you to hold my hand, and lead me out of this dark empty void that is my soul.

I once hoped.

This feels so much better. Now that I've drowned down my conscience - nothing stands in my way to anything. I can be a true monster I was always meant to be.

Do you like such Fate, my boy? Too bad no one will ever ask you if you do. No one ever asks if you want your Fate or not. 

You're mine, and so is your Fate. And I have decided, that you will suffer, Ezra Bridger. 

"Your screams and tears will not bring them back, Ezra." Gloat. Savour. Repeat. 

"I h-hate you..." He's whispering. He lost his voice a while ago, while screaming for me to stop, "You're c-crazy, twisted, kriffing b..."

"Crazy? Ahaha... My boy, that's an understatement. I am far more than just crazy. I am insane. I have crossed my moral line. Oh, Ezra, I recommend you think into your behavior from now on, if you don't want to end up below the line as well."

"I d-don't care what you do with me... you c-can go to hell!" He's trying to scream, but all that comes out is a whisper. 

"I've already been there and came back. You tell me, why would I go there - when I just brought it here, into your life?"

He stares down. He's on his hands and knees, nearby a further wall. The hair is a sticky mess on his face. Sweat, tears, drool - all is mixed up. Poor boy... 

Wait. No, he's not poor. I don't think he's poor. That'd be pitiful to say about him. And I have no pity left. 

"Hey," he looks up at me, "Why don't you ask your precious jedi master for an advice?" I lower my tone, "That is if you can find where I left his head." 

A new wave of tears is all that it triggers. He lowers his head and covers it with his hands. I lean towards him, my voice still low, sending shivers down his spine, aching his heart with each new word, "You should not have left me no choice when I gave you my hearts. I took them back now.

I don't care if I have to cut you in two as well, or harm you any other way. But no matter what, I will, oh I will make damn sure you stay alive. I will make sure you stay alive and suffer."

I stand up sharply and approach him, he's soo deep into his tears, he doesn't even notice. He does notice, however, when I hold his head up by the hair, with my lightsaber to his throat.

"Traitor, Ezra." I laugh lightly, "You're a traitor. Did your master forget to tell you, that it's not nice to play with someone's hope?"

Every slightest mention of this man only brings forth more tears. 

"Stop..." He sobs.

"Oh how you wish I would kill you now. I can hear it in your whole living being. You think your life just got soo horrible - you don't want to live it anymore? Well, my boy... Welcome to my life."

"P-please, stop..." Begging. He's begging, oh my. I see it in his eyes. 

He's hopeless. 

"Oh Ezra," I turn my 'saber off, "You've lost your hope. We're both hopelss now, but do you know what's the different between us?" 

He only sniffs meekly in reply. 

"The difference, is that I'm still standing, and I know exactly what I'll do next. You, however, don't. You've got nowhere to go, nowhere to hide from your Fate. Which's, to say," I tug on his hair, "is in my hands now."

"Please, can't you just k-kill me..."

"Look me in the eyes," I gloat, "I am a being of anger and rage. Do you recognize me? I'm the face you see in your worst Nightmares. I am the one who feeds of fear. I once told myself I would never feed of your fear. Swore that I would protect you..."

I move to hold his head up by the chin.

"Once." 

His hopeless look... For a second it makes me recall something. Yes, it's true - I once swore to protect him. I didn't swear to anyone, but to myself. I didn't say it aloud, but whispered, like a night time prayer. Whispered like I'd call his name - Ezra - in hopes that this Angel would help me out of the hell that is my life... 

I shun the thoughts away. There is no more space for conscience in my hearts. 

"I won't threaten you with death, my boy. You will live, and your life will be pain." He looks down, tears still streaming down his blushed cheeks. I grab his face around, tighter, our foreheads inches away, "You will suffer. However, your behavior will determine how much-" 

 

I freeze midsentence. 

Suddenly, it's not consciens that speaks up in me. It's the trauma.

A picture shows up in front of me. A young child, crying, covering, shivering in fear. Curled up, he's hidding his face with his knees. His whole back is covered in blood. Beaten with a belt, and terrified for his life. He'd already been beaten few times today for different, meaningless occasions.

Sometimes his hands are held away purposely, a laughter can be heard when the child tries to find other way to avoid pain, or cover his back. 

The child cries so much so often. He wishes life wasn't like that. He doesn't blame himself, no - this child's got power to recognize, that it's not his fault. His life is just unfair. 

"You are the source of all wrong in the world. Everything is your fault." A monstrous voice burns those words inside his mind, "I do this to you because you deserve it. Your life will always be full of suffering, but may be, just may be if you behave perfectly well to me - I might beat you less. I determine how much you suffer..." 

The words burn inside child's hearts. 

This child is me. 

 

I let Ezra's head go and lean back. Oh no. 

Oh no, oh no. Force, what have I done? What have I done? My life has always been unfair... But Ezra has done nothing to deserve paying off my sins.

**Just because life has been rough for me - never ever gave me the right to take it out on this poor child.**

I look at him, and I recognize myself. My young and defensless self. The kid who would so often wish he wasn't living. Force, what have I done?

I drop my weapon down, and lean in to hug him. He struggles, I know it's unwanted. There are no words to be said. I never wanted to turn out as an abuser. A cold hearted killer is one thing, but abusing a child... Force, now is the time I wish I could die right here, right now. 

I should not have done any of this. What was I thinking? I could have made it better, but I went and made it all worse. This is not what I've been given my second chance for. This is not what he deserved, this is not what I should have done. 

I'm still holding him, ever so gently, this time I'm the one crying. 

I whisper that I'm soo, soo sorry. I whisper that I didn't mean it. Whisper that I never wanted it to be this way. I whisper that I love him. 

And I know exactly how useless all of that sounds. Words can never erase actions. 

My 'saber lays soo close right now. I wish he'd just pick it up and kill me now. I wish he'd bring justice on me now. But suddenly, he does something so much worse. 

He hugs me back. 

"...Why?" My words come out in a whisper. 

"I saw that too. That vision..." My hearts skip a beat, "You didn't come here to harm me, you never would. You just wanted me to understand and share your pain."

"No, no, don't sugarcoat it. I tried to take my anger on you."

"I have no reason to sugarcoat it. You did horrible and unfixable things - because that's how your whole life went. It brought you to this point, and..." He looks up at me, "Do you think you're only one like that? Do you really think I never wanted to have someone suffer instead of me? You must have thought my life has been fair much..." 

I want to drop down on my hands and knees, bow my head low and beg. Beg for forgivness. At the same time I understand how useless it is. But I can't stand looking in his eyes now, or being so close at all. This is the moment I realise - he is holding me more, than I'm holding onto him. This time he isn't letting me fall. I struggle, with what little mental effort I can put into this.

"Please, stop..." This time I whisper the phrase he would scream so loud just a while ago. "Let me go..."

He keeps silence for a long while. Every passing second feels like a hour. A painful hour to be living. What can I even hope for now? Am I even allowed to hope anymore?..

He takes a deep sigh and finally speaks up again, he still holds me up tight as he does, "If I let you go now, with all this hate and pain in your hearts - what good are you going to be for the world?" 

"...Will you kill me?" There's a glimpse of hope in my question. Didn't know I was still capable of it. 

He shakes his head, "Your pain only causes you to spread it, but spreading it is not a way to cope with it. You're a part of the cycle - a cycle of hurt in the world..." He looks me in the eyes, "Someone has hurt you, and you went on to pass this pain to someone, anyone, hoping it would make it go away from your life. But you're wrong to think so. You just needed someone to help you, to pull you out of this cycle. I... I guess I should have figured that out earlier. You only needed help. May be if I could have understood that earlier, then all of this... wouldn't be my fault."

I'm crying, I stutter, I'm losing hold of myself, "No, no, Ezra, dear, this is not your fault! It has never been, and will never be! T-this is all my mistake solely! I should have never-"

"But you did." He interrupts me, and I dare not speak again, "No matter how many lives you'd ever take - they will never fix your own life. The least I can do now - is make sure you never take a life again." 

"So you will kill me?" I laugh hysterically. I hope, oh I hope... 

This time he raises my head to look him in the eyes, "No, I will not kill you. I will help you." I'm laughing, "I will stay with you, Maul," I'm crying, "Even if I'm late to save my friends - I can still save you. I... believe it, I can still be your hope. ...I will bring you to the Light Side."

I feel my sins crawling on my back. 

I break down, I try and try again, at least. I can't break from his hands. I feel so weak to him right now. He is so much more powerful than I ever thought. 

"Mercy..." He shows me mercy. He pities me. I have never had someone feel this way before, I never even hoped... I would have never guessed, that out of all, Ezra would be the one to show this to me. And that is after I killed all those, whom he loved, in front of him... 

"Ezra, I've just killed-" 

"I know. But screams and tears won't bring them back. Nothing will..." He sniffs, "Helping you is the least I can do now. If I don't - I will end up just like you. I will start seeking revenge on life itself, by taking my pain on others, and this cycle of pain will simply go on. I won't let that happen, I won't be like that. I will stay good," he looks me in the eyes, "And I will help you." 

Tears still stream down my face. His look is so full of pity and symphaty. Something I never knew, something I always searched. He's still holding me tight. The smell of blood I've spilled is still in the air. 

I regret. 

I break. He wins, and I surrender to him. It's so ironic, I want to laugh - Ezra brings me back to the start of it all. He once again leaves me no choice. But this time, he knows exactly what he'll do. 

Whatever happens next of my Fate - is in his hands now. 

 

In him I find my lost hope. 

 


End file.
